Spoon

Ren is covered in food.

He’s finally figured out how to hold a spoon, and splattered breakfast all over his face, floor and furniture.

He grins with determination as he attempts another precarious mouthful..

And gloriously misses his mouth.

Undeterred, he goes for another spoonful, getting a little more purchase each time.

And I swell with pride, as his tiny hands keep picking up his spoon without giving up.

Tea

John nods as he takes another breath from his oxygen mask.

His daughters listen on tearfully as I explain the likely outcome of this admission.

He knows this may be the last time he comes to hospital.

Finally, I offer heavy sedatives and anything else he may need for relief.

He looks at me, nods again and gently taps on his side table.

“In that case, I’ll have a cup of tea please.”

And for the first time, his daughters broke out a laugh while I gladly put on the kettle.

Sunbeam

Ren’s first love is Sunbeam.

She is a Jellycat pedigree, once fluffy, now snot-caked bunny.

He takes her everywhere.

We’ve offered him an identical grey version, still fresh and fluffy, gifted as a backup.

But no, he loves Sunbeam, for she  comforted him since the very beginning.

And as I watch him drag her through another puddle, I witness unconditional love in all its beautiful mess.

Push

I know a guy in my gym who works with a face like thunder, sweat dripping profusely, occasionally letting out a disturbing scream.

We do not share the same vibe.

Today, attempting my bench press personal best, I needed a spotter. The only other person on the floor was him.

I paused and took a deep breath. But before I even asked, he shouted “come on mate let’s do it!” slapping his chest knowingly.

Moments later, eyes bulging, he was rallying me on while I pushed past my best. 

And no matter our differences, he reminds me that when we have a shared goal, we help each other push.

Radiator

I couldn’t peel myself from the radiator this morning. It’s bitterly cold.

And I thought of Mr T, a homeless regular in our emergency department.

His story never changes: shop lift vodka, drink at bus stop until he collapses, brought in by a stranger’s call.

For him, the only glimmer of warmth is the few hours he spends in our emergency department before he’s discharged again.

And as my hands pressed against the warm radiator, I prayed Mr T found his next moment of warmth.

Rabbit

Today I met Gerald again, carrying his usual plastic bag full of cans.

I often find him wandering around our park, aimlessly circling the grass.

Whenever he sees my two sausage dogs he loves to ask the same question.

“What’s the name of your rabbits mate?”

He beams, smiling with missing teeth.

And in that moment, it doesn’t really matter what species they are.

But that these little rabbits brought joy to Gerald’s day again.

Snot bubbles

We sat on the kitchen floor, the smell of warm rice cooking on the pan.

Ren is finally over the worst of his cold, snot still streaming down both cheeks.

He looks at me anxiously, refusing to be let go. So we sat, cuddled and rocked.

On the radio I hear Chris singing “I drew a line. I drew a line for you. Oh, what a thing to do..”

And I well up as I tell Ren how much I loved him. He looks back with a plain expression as if to say “I know you do.”

And there we were, both blowing snot bubbles. 

Un-adult

One epiphany I’ve had as a parent is that the best smiles come from infants.

And maybe I think this because Ren’s smile is world class.

But I think it’s also because their motive to smile is pure joy, innocent as snow.

And when we express our selves unadulterated by politics or gain..

I feel it moves us deeper.

Ritual

Before I start writing in the studio, I burn an incense stick each time.

I take out a sandal wood incense, break it in two, light one half and place it in a holder.

And as the scent rises, I take a moment to feel gratitude that I get to do this again.

Hopefully, the muse will visit me today.

Rumination

Whatever your fuck up is today, just do better tomorrow.

End of rumination.

Enough

Somedays I still can’t believe my son is real.

Yet here he is, squiggling, giggling and babbling with joy.

And as I stare into his eyes and he smiles back, my chest fills with a flood of wholeness I can’t put into words.

And perhaps - I wonder - if this is what ‘enough’ feels like.

Weird

I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who’s outwardly perfect and thought - oh I really like you because you’re perfect.

I think the people I like are all people who seem to have their shit together, but then suddenly make me realise..

Oh you’re also a little weird too.

And since normal is an illusion, I also know everyone is secretly a bit weird in some way.

It’s just a matter of finding out who’s embracing it.

Shoshin

When Jigoro Kano - the founder of Judo - passed away, he had left an unusual request.

He asked his students to bury his body wearing a beginner’s white belt.

Shoshin is the Zen philosophy of maintaining a beginner’s mind regardless of what we’ve already achieved.

To forever learn, forever be curious, and feel the magic in every moment like the first time.

And with another new year ahead of us, I find there is no better time to fasten my white belt again.

Exclamation!

I’ve had a difficult relationship with exclamation marks.

Whilst a lack of them made me come across dry and unenthusiastic..

The moment I employed them, I felt like whatever I had to say felt cheap.

But when people recognise you speak from your heart anyway, it doesn’t matter whether you add them or not.

And I feel the same way about adding unnecessary flourishes to my tracks.

Boom

Oooooh!

Ahhhhh..

Owwww.

It’s quite nice that people come together to watch things explode in the air for a bit.

Which said like that, feels like a weird thing for humans to do..

But actually, a well presented firework is a masterclass in capturing attention.

The suspense, sudden bursts of colour, mixture of patterns, all happening live, holding our collective gaze.

And I’m all for things that bring people together.

Yoyo

Yes, you only live once.

But using YOLO as an excuse to make short term decisions you’re guaranteed to regret later makes little sense.

So a better excuse is..

You’re only young once.

In which case, you smash that ninth jäger bomb you spring chicken.

But…

You’re only as good as the excuses you let yourself be stopped by.

Sunshine

Our emotions have a filter.

And how we experience reality depends on how it functions.

What was that look from that person?

Are they judging your outfit?

Or maybe, they’re wondering where they can buy it from.

When we choose the most negative interpretation possible, everything always feels grey and overcast.

But the most radiant people I know strive for positive interpretations where possible, promoting good vibes like sunshine.

We have a choice.

Content

Don’t share something because you think that’s what you have to do.

Share something because you feel joy in it.

Me vs Us

“Hi I’ve made a new song. I made it for myself, absolutely no one else, especially not for you because I couldn’t give a fuck what you think about me.

But please listen to it, then like, comment and share it with your friends - thanks! p.s. I don’t care what they think of me either because I make music just for me”.

Vs.

“Hi I’ve made a new song. I made it for people like us, who feel like us. I know how you feel, and I know this track will help you feel better.

And if you know someone else who feels the same way because they’re one of us, send it their way because it’ll probably help them feel better too. Thanks”.